Thoughts
by saucywench20
Summary: BBRae. BB's thoughts on Raven and Terra. Slight au. Oneshot. Read and review.


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Disclaimer:

I do not own the teen titans, if I did then I would spend my days lazing away in some exotic locale.

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Stuff:

Wow, another story has worked its way into my cranium….. Um…lets see, there is some cursing in this fic so be warned.

This fic has BB/Rae fluffiness. Enjoy it while it lasts loves. This is a one-shot and will remain so.

This fic is all in BB's point of view. Inspired after "Prophesy."

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Thoughts:

In all the time that I have know Raven, I have always known that she was special.

Before now I was never able to fully explain it.

My animal instincts always directed me to her, implored me to protect her, to be there for her no matter what. My heart told me to love her, understand her, and make her pain go away.

Before now I didn't understand Raven. She had always been so complex, like some sort of ancient mystery that men and women spent thousands of years obsessing over.

She is something so incredible, so powerful that it could destroy us all, yet so fragile that an errant breeze could bring her down.

Raven had always struck me as being in…..pain, as being broken.

Every time I looked into those beautiful amethyst eyes I saw turmoil, loneliness, and sorrow so deep it threatened to drown her in it's waves.

In an attempt to I told her every single joke I could think up, just so that I may see her smile or even give a little chuckle. That always frustrated me to no end.

When I was transported to her mind, there were many things that I saw that I didn't understand. Her mind, her heart was broken into so many different parts. On top of that there was the specter of her father running rampant in her mind threatening to take over her mind, body and soul. It was then that my instincts and, I must admit, my heart told me to protect her from all harm no matter what, to make sure she didn't hurt, to pick up the pieces and make her whole.

After that I was happy that Raven began to open up to us, to me especially and I was never happier. Although she still refused to laugh at my jokes it made my heart sing to see her smile or to see her eyes light up.

That, of course, was before Terra came.

Terra…..

I still don't know what to really think about her.

We met her out in the wilderness being chased by some creature. We were all about to save her when she unleashed her power.

The first thing that struck me was how much like Raven she was.

Her powers, like Raven's, were so incredible, so primal, so dangerous and had the potential to destroy us all.

Like Raven, she was in constant struggle for control.

Like Raven, she was deeply shamed by this.

Unlike Raven, she revealed her flaws to me.

Unlike Raven, she trusted me.

Unlike Raven, she ran away from her problems and me.

Before she left, I noticed a change in Raven, she began to shut down, to stop interacting with us, with me. She seldom revealed her beautiful face and eyes, opting instead to hide underneath her hood.

I didn't understand why Raven didn't like her at the time, evidence that I was indeed "an immature pinhead" as Raven had called me on several dozen occasions.

After Terra left, Raven became worse.

She barely interacted with anyone, with the exception of Cyborg who became her surrogate big brother and Starfire, who refused to allow her to totally shut down.

I am ashamed to admit that I didn't do much to stop her from nearly self-destructing.

On the few occasions that she did interact with me, on the few occasions that Raven would look at me, I was shocked to see that she looked heart broken and would then turn away.

Later on, still wounded, she met Malchior.

Malchior…..just the thought of that bastard makes me sick.

I was still being a childish jerk and because she wouldn't play a game with me, I, in a tantrum called her 'creepy.'

Little did I know that this is probably what drove her to him.

Cyborg later on told me of Raven's life on Azarath. How she was shunned by everyone, even her own mother, for being the daughter of Trigon. How the people there cursed her, hated her, made life so painful for her, for something she had absolutely no control over. He told me about how Azarath was destroyed by her father and how she was the only one blamed for his actions. Finally he told me of how she was run out of Azarath by her mother and the few other survivors of Trigon's assault.

Malchior was probably the first person in Raven's life who, she felt, accepted her entirely for who and what she was with open arms.

During the time that he was with her, I saw her happy and was jealous. That was out of left field for me. It was before I realized what I felt for her.

So I did what any other teenage boy in my position would have done….I acted like a total spaz.

I made fun of her, I spied on her, I think I made her cried and the longer she was with him, the more I felt jealous that I wasn't the one who brought a smile to her face.

After Malchior's deception was discovered and he was dealt with, I had an epiphany.

I realized then that I had hurt her and that someone else used that to manipulate and hurt her. I felt so bad that I went up to her door and apologized to her for that bastard who broke her heart. As I was turning around to leave she burst from her room and gave me a hug.

I remember how vulnerable she was, how heart broken she looked. I think it was then that I began to see her as more than a friend….

After that Raven still locked herself in her room for a few days at a time but she was a bit better than before. Cyborg got her interested in helping him with his "baby," Starfire would drag her to the mall occasionally and became her older sister, Robin had taken the role of hyper-overprotective brother, and she actually started to spend some time with me.

We would spend most of our time playing chess.

I had how to play because my parents had taught me before that they died.

I had managed to beat her the first three times without much trouble.

Needless to say Raven was impressed.

I remember her words as clearly as if she had spoken them just now, "Gee, Beast Boy, It's good to know that all of those video games didn't kill off all of your brain cells."

Normally I would have been somewhat insulted but I was too happy that she was letting her walls down. This had been the first time that she had truly made an effort to bond with us. We were all grateful for this, for we all knew that doing so took a lot of effort on her part. We were so proud of her.

I was so proud of her.

Not too long after she was starting to make all this progress was when Terra came back.

Terra came back and, according to her, her powers were completely under control.

I was happy to see her back as was every one else but Raven, she was furious.

Raven refused to be apart of any activity that included Terra, except for going after criminals.

I think……that maybe…had I listened to my animal senses, rather than my human ones, I might have felt the same way.

Raven came up to me one morning, actually it was the same day that the Slade robots had attacked the tower, and told me to be cautious around Terra. In fact her exact words were, "Beast Boy be careful around Terra, her aura feels poisonous so please be careful, there is no telling what she may do."

I couldn't believe what she had told me. I had thought that she was just jealous and I told her so. That earned me a slap across the face and a lecture in which she told me that she wasn't subject into such petty emotions.

That hurt a thousand times more than the accusation against Terra. It felt as though she had torn my heart in two. So what did I do? I had told her that if she was jealous she should just say so and it was stupid and childish to lie about Terra like that. I snapped at Raven and made her cry.

I admit that even caught up in that teen melodrama that was Terra, I felt suspicious deep down inside.

I didn't want to admit what I felt so I believed in Terra blindly even though in retrospect I should have believed in Raven.

Terra betrayed us.

She had been working for Slade since she left us the first time. He had offered to take the burden of controlling her powers off of her hands, and she jumped to take the bait. She willingly gave her life to Slade because she found it too hard to cope with. He wanted us all dead and she complied without hesitation.

Raven would never have done that.

I know that while Raven would love to be able to completely control her powers, I also know that she would never betray us, that she would never betray me.

Terra tried her hardest to kill us all with as much prejudice as possible. She kept going on and on about how we weren't her friends and how much she was enjoying taking us down.

I remember finding Raven at the edge of some muddy cavern, beaten badly and nearly drowned.

Before that very moment I never truly realized what love was. I never realized that the soul mate that I had so desperately been looking for my entire life was so close to me. I realized how close I came to losing the one person that meant more to me than anything else.

Before that moment I never felt absolute hatred for another human being in my entire life. The only thought that filtered through my mind was: How dare she hurt /my/ Raven?

After I made sure that Raven would be alright and I found the other titans, we realized that we had to bring Terra down.

Later the next day, we found her patrolling the city with a small army of Slade's robots and we did as we planned, we attacked her with the intention of bringing her down.

During the battle Terra chucked a small boulder at Raven and hit her. It was then that I felt something in me snap. There was no way in hell that I was going to allow that blonde bitch to hurt her and get away with it. Terra put up a terrible fight but after a while she fled to the safety of her master Slade.

It was when Slade revealed that she was nothing more than a little pawn to him did she turn on him and unknowingly set off a volcano beneath the city.

In the end Terra sacrificed herself to save us all from the volcanic explosion that claimed both her life and Slade's. Well….I don't know if she really is dead or just petrified or something like that.

To this day I can't forgive Terra for her deception and betrayal although surprisingly Raven has.

I asked her about it once and she said, "I can't hate her Gar, I just can't. I saw too much of myself in her, I have struggled for control of my powers like she did, and even though she betrayed us I can't hate her because I know even though I wouldn't have taken Slade's offer, I know I would have been tempted by it."

So life went on.

A few months after that we became so close that we were each other's best friends. I loved her and I knew that she loved me but we weren't ready for that step, not yet.

Life as a superhero guarantees that there really is no end to the dark side of humanity….see, this is proof that I'm hanging around Raven…otherwise I know I would have thrown a dude! in there somewhere.

Well like I was saying before, life as a superhero guarantees that there will always be bad guys to fight and in other cases it means that the really bad guys will come back for payback.

That is exactly what happened to us.

We were celebrating Raven's birthday, or rather trying to get her to celebrate her own birthday, when it happened.

Slade was alive.

Slade came back and he wasn't after Robin, he wasn't hell bent on killing us (at the time)….he was after Raven.

We had a huge battle with him in some sort of warehouse and then suddenly Star, Cy and myself were the only ones left underneath the rubble from the resulting battle.

We received a transmission from Robin and were told to get to his coordinates immediately.

Raven had been hurt.

We all rushed out of that warehouse and rushed to their locale.

We found Robin kneeling over Raven.

She looked so hurt. Her cape was missing, her leotard was for the most part ripped off (Robin didn't want Raven to feel embarrassed when she awoke so he took off his cape and wrapped it around her,) but most noticeable of all were the strange symbols all over her body.

They were blood red and looked as though they were carved into her skin. She looked so weak, so vulnerable, so broken.

We got back to the tower and celebrated her birthday from the medical wing. We…I was so glad that she was alive.

Slade came after her a second time and this was by far the most dangerous battle we have ever been in.

The mark of scath, haunted us during that entire nightmare.

The building…no, I think temple is the better word, that we chased Slade to showed us all that something horrible was coming.

Raven left the temple for the safety of the tower. This place terrified her more than anyone else. It was that that strengthened my resolve to explore the place. I wanted to put a stop to whatever it was that frightened her.

We found Slade in the main chamber of that hell-hole.

We fought him but he was about to kill us all, when my love appeared and wailed on him big time.

Her body was covered in the strange markings that I saw on her from our last encounter with Slade. After she beat the stuffing out of Slade we all decided that it was time for us to go home.

When we got to the t-car, she fainted.

We were all frantic to get her to the medical wing and once we checked her in there we found that she was physically drained. Cyborg wanted her to stay in the wing overnight just in case.

Once the others left the wing to go to bed, I sat next to her and confessed my love for her. I told her that I loved her more than anything in this universe. I told her that no matter what happened I would be there for her and love her for all eternity.

She looked at me with tears in those big beautiful eyes and told me that she felt the same way, that I was the most important thing in her universe and that I would eternally have her heart.

We kissed and it was heaven.

Raven then told me all of the details of her life. Everything. She told me that she was the daughter of Trigon, one of Lucifer's favorite sons. She told me that she was needed to open the gate to bring him into this world. She told me that the marks all over her body indicated that she was the avatar of the apocalypse.

I told her that I didn't care if she was the devil incarnate, I pledged my heart and soul to her and that was all that mattered.

I don't care what she is.

I don't care what she does.

Whatever happens now doesn't matter to me in the least.

I know that there are only two constants in this universe:

1. That Raven is my angel.

2. That I will love her for eternity, no matter what.


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